INSUBCONTINENT EXCLUSIVE:
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Hey KIDS!
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Exciting News!
First up: Exciting news! We&re going to be migrating the Club Newsletter to a new format from next month that will
be delivered in person! In virtual reality! This means you&ll be able to feel like I&m sitting right next to you saying this stuff right in
your face instead of just passively reading it off a screen and maybe getting distracted by other less important stuff.Myself and your
Totally Lost Boys (TLB) Club Committee are so excited that we can bring you this amazing experience before any other Youth Club in the
world! #awesome
Here a taster from a VR trip I took recently to check out the totally awful devastation in Puerto Rico:
Now you&re
probably asking how can we bring this exciting new technology to your friendly neighborhood Youth Club, right! I&m pleased to say that the
2,500% increase in Newsletter Sponsor Messages over the past ~two months has really helped bulk up the Club Money Pool
Rest assured, we&re ploughing all these revenues into product development to continue to make BHFA YC the most innovative Youth Club on
Planet Earth!
Of course we don''t want the Club to fall behind Lindenwood or Farm Hills YC either, which — as we&ve told you in recent
Newsletters — have been busy developing ‘innovative& newsletter solutions of their own
(I say ‘innovative& but we all know the YC of MZ Yours Truly is the real innovator around these hills!!) But — and it a BIG ONE kids!
— if the Club Committee were to allow another club to get ahead of BHFA (brisket forbid!!!), say by offering better Member facilities,
then we&d risk Membership declining — instead of benefiting from thecontinued year-on-year growth that _we_all_enjoy_
It would also mean less money for the Club Treasurer to spend on buying up neighborhood housing to knock down in order to expand the size of
the Clubhouse and keep you all entertained right here on campus! And you really don''t want to be bored do you! (NB: The date for opening
the infinity pool waterpark is still tbc
We found a leak on several floors and given there a risk of electrical fire death if we get this wrong it taking a little longer than
hoped.)
Of course the impending mandatory migration to VR Newsletters also means we&ll be able to bring you more immersive Newsletter
Sponsor Messages in future! YAY! Which will be great for the Club Money Pool too
So double YAY!
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Of course we know that not everyone in Our Community has had a chance
to purchase our great Oculus Rift VR headset yet :(Only 0.3% of you have done so! :((( Even though we&ve made sure to tell you all about how
great it is for, like, the past several years
(You&ll remember we also ran VR Summer Club Camp last year in Black Chasm Cave
Howeverattendance averaged :-) — we absolutely must have a formula to manage the distribution of the Club Program, fair or otherwise
NB: Having a formula is the important bit, kids
As your parents should tell you, that called ‘Leadership&.)
Proposal to livestream the urinalsmdash; as part of our ‘Next-Gen YC 2.0
Moving Fwd Brainfart Sessions 2018 Summer Season Sponsored by Y Combinator& Boztank suggested the (IMO) pretty wild idea of putting a
livestreaming unit in the urinals (!) — pointing down at the pee stream
He thinks it could be a good idea to collect yet another data-point on top of the ~hundreds of thousands we already record per Member for
some interesting new engagement metric that we haven''t bothered to think of yet
We&ll let you know at least a day in advance if we decide to move forward with this plan
(NB: We&re still discussing whether it a good idea to livestream the girls& toilets
Or we might just unilaterally replace all Club loos with unisex urinals
tbh the urinal idea was a lot better than Boz other suggestion which was a livestreamed ‘loudest fart& competition
We might revisit that next fall, for our next Camp Cook-Out
Committee ‘Diversitymdash; we are aware that some Members are continuing to
complain about the lack of so-called ‘diversity& on the TLB Committee
However we would point out we are a truly open-minded bunch of — yes, okay, sure, whatevs — entirely white guys but who are nonetheless
willing to entertain the wild and crazy notion that there no box at all to think inside of
So, frankly, we don''t understand what your problem is
Also we&re not *all* guys — that what Sheryl here for
lsquo;Leadership elections — it has also come to our attention that a very small
number of Club Members have been spreading some very malicious, gossipy and totally fake rumors claiming the Club Charter is going to be
rewritten to create fixed leadership terms and allow for future Leader Elections
I personally want to make it very, VERY clear that this is 100% FAKE NEWS
Your Committee will not be discussing any changes to the Committee structure at all
Period.
Under-13s YCmdash; a brief update on the amazing traction we&re seeing for our ‘Horizon Newborn& under-13s YC which continues to
deliver major wins for BHFA by onboarding all your siblings from the moment of birth to get them prepped primed for life in the excitingly
breakneck ‘fast-lane& here on the 13+ campus (NB: Under-13 Memberships are automatically migrated to a full BHFA YC Membership on your
siblings& thirteenth birthday; but remember, it your responsibility to let them know that if they want to collect any cuddly toys or other
mementos they&ve accidentally left at the under-13s campus they will have to come here and sign the Membership form to release them from our
Cryogenic Cold Storage Unit — where you should warn them they will otherwise languish for all eternity.) The committee is currently
discussing whether to turn some of the old Woodside Heights YC campus into an Under-13s soft play foam-axe room
Alternatively we might turn it into a child-friendly sand gravel mine
tbc
lsquo;Odd& sponsor message content — just a quick note on this last line item but we are aware of a few Members — and in fact the
heads of some other Youth Clubs — raising concerns about things they&ve seen in our Sponsor Messages
We&re really not at sure what the issue/s of concern might be but we&re 100% sure that the notion of there being any problem at all with any
of the stuff Our Sponsors are paying us to tell you is, like, a _totally_crazy_idea_
So, respectfully, we suggest you drop it
(NB: Also if you want to be able to keep swimming in the Club Money Pool you need to stop asking awkward stuff or we might have to close the
pool to non-Committee Members.)
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Hard Issue of the day :/
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Trouble With A Member
Sheryl making her really scary face (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)
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I know we&re
almost out of time for this week newsletter but — following on from the note about ‘Member Behavior& — I wanted to take a short moment
to remind all Members of the Club foundational commitment to freedom of expression at all costs
Kids, if your reading level is strong enough you will understand that &at all costs& meansthere is actually a cost (but don''t worry, we&re
not going to start charging you Membership fees!!! it not that kind of really bad cost) to the freedoms we enjoy here on campus
And, well, sometimes that cost means being forced to be bullied in public by an angry mob or having to know that some Members are going
around campus telling others that your cherished siblings were in fact just a figment of your imagination and the tragic death they suffered
at the hands of a gun-touting maniac is just your totally delusional fancy
Yep, life really can be that shitty sometimes! We&re not gonna lie to you!
Regretfully, this ‘cost& also means that members of Our
Community who are Jewish may well also hear some pretty random and totally untrue stuff being spread about their community on campus
Like that time one of our Member Societies put on an ‘alternative& WWII fictional reconstruction in the theatre
Now Your Committee doesn''t for a moment believe that anyone on campus could have viewed this work as anything other than the piece of avant
garde theatre it very obviously was (IMHO)
(I mean, maybe a few Members thought it was an historically accurate reconstruction but really it the job of the rest of you kids to make
fun of anyone crazy enough to believe such stupid stuff!!!) We sure don''t believe that kind of absolute crap
But, nonetheless, we&re 100% comfortable with our decision to operate an entirely open-door Membership Policy because Your TLB is entirely
incapable of discriminating
I mean, if we did, where on Earth would it end! So even if a Member of Our Community happens to be a renowned fantasist with a record of
shouting FIRE in theaters, or even a paid up member of a neo-nazi group which routinely denies historically verified episodes of ethnic
cleansing, that totally not our problem — it theirs! We just provide the world over-13s with a soapbox to express their unvarnished
What Members choose to do with the tools we provide to help them get their message out there is obviously none of our business!! (Although
it is literally BHFA YC business but how else would we fund the platform in the first place!)
In any case, fact-checking is for qualified
professionals who probably work for newspapers
And we are totally not that at all!!! [Edit note from Adam: Are there any newspapers left Didn''t the Tribune close when you made the
Newsletter a daily] (Supplementary note from Boztank: Remember kids, Mark himself is Jewish
So if he can suck up Holocaust denial, so can you! As my grandpops used to say: ‘If a piece of baloney hasn''t blown your face off you&re
winning because you&re not dead yet so stop whining ya cream-faced loon!&)
Last word from Mark:As Boztank has been saying for, like, almost
before some of you were born, speech that is &distasteful and ignorant& is nothing to be worried about so long as you kids are totally
prepared to just laugh it off (NB: We might use laughing gas for this too — see the Newsletter endnote for more on what we&re cooking up
And, well, frankly speaking, a lot more people really need to grow up and learn that maniacs spouting total rubbish are just an unfortunate
distraction from great Sponsor Message content
In any case, fact-checking is expensive — far too expensive for the Club Treasurer tastes!!
So, to wrap up, Your Committee wants to make
it totally plain we&re 110% here to entertain your behavior — unruly, unreasonable or just plain stupid! Whatever the f— you like! (Just
plank safely, eh! There have been a number of deaths related to selfie challenges lately and we&d really prefer you enjoy rather than kill
yourselves!!!) And while we may not always be 100% comfortable about the views you&re espousing on campus, or via Club equipment (NB: We
have another shipment of 200M Wi-Fi enabled megaphones arriving Wednesday so get gargling!!), we want all Members to know we&re fully behind
you being a totally offensive f—
Period.
(Actually, if you or your parents bothered to read the small print that literally what our Founding Charter says
In any case, like Sheryl says, there no way Our Community would keep growing like the weed it has if we hadn''t let in any shitty idea that
wants to crawl in off the street and set up a stink, crawl in off the street and set up a stink
She also says that BHFA YC is like a compost heap: All shits are 100% welcome here
And: If it stinks, the Club Treasurer winks!!)
All we ask is that you kids play nice together
Because, regretfully, the bill for Clubhouse security staff has been rising alarmingly over the past several months — as more bouncers
have been needed around campus to break up several pretty serious brawls
And, well, we have already stuffed the Newsletter to bursting with Sponsor Messages
So we do have some concerns about the depth of the Club Money Pool, going forward
We&ll be bringing you a more fulsome update on Club Finances in a future Newsletter (tbc —Wehner).
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One more thing!
Exciting Announcement…
of a beta test to a Clubhouse Rule change!
[Boztank pls insert ‘Vertigo scream& GIF here — but fun not too scary
version]
FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes! Shouting fire in the cinema is now provisionally acceptable!!!
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up& GIF here]
We wanted to end the Newsletter with a bit of good news, so the TLB has decided to beta test letting Members yell &fire& or
even &bomb& during screenings in the cinema
Or actually anything you fancy (why not get creative — like, by yelling ‘argh! alien facehugger squirting acid on my eyeballs!!!&).
Why
Because the TLB has decided that having a space where Members& speech is constrained — even as a narrow health safety precaution — was
just FAR too risky for Community cohesion
So we&re removing it and saying ya-boo-sucks to the consequences!
But don''t worry! We&re putting Community Safety first by taking
precautions to keep all Members safe
(For example, we&ve covered all sharp edges in the cinema with foam padding to prevent anyone from being impaled during any panic-induced
But please remember there only one exit — so play safe kids! Definitely try not to crush each other to death!!! (NB: The Committee would
like to take this opportunity to remind all Members that an ‘in the event of my death and/or horrific personal injury& legal waiver was
signed by all of you when you joined the Club so anyone with litigious parents should warn them not to get any ideas
(Yes, we know Colin is leaving but that not until after Thanksgiving.))
The Committee is also considering installing facial recognition
technology in the cinema Wi-Fi-connected to laughing gas canisters which would be triggered in the event of anyone getting overly emotional
Our idea is that the gas could be automatically dispensed if any Members became hysterical, or, well, overly sad — thereby distracting
people and preventing risky stampedes
(NB: This exciting Club innovation is still a work in progress but we&ll be sure to keep you updated on progress in future Newsletters
See our quasi-regular: ‘What Mark Cooking In The Lab& section)
And that about all for today kids! Feel free to unstrap from your Oculus
for now (for those of you special early adopters out there!) — and it adios amigos until tomorrow, when we&ll be right back in your face
with more exciting BHFA YC news!!!!
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Warning: Anyone caught leaking Club policies or information WILL HAVE THEIR MEMBERSHIP REVOKED AND BE BANNED FOR
Members contravening this rule will also be physically removed from campus (should they be here at the time) with zero opportunity to
collect any personal belongings or say goodbye to any friends
Personal items will be piled in the yard and used as fuel for the next Club Cook-Out which will kick off with a competition to see which
member can shout ‘Speak don''t leak!& the loudest
One winner will be selected by Mark and given a bite of his prime brisket
Appeals are impossible.
Photo: paylessimages/iStock
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Still here!!!!!!!!!!!
Additional really important information from the committee: Uhhhh, Alex just told me that
the Committee room where we keep the PAM records, going back to ~2005, was left unlocked for, like, the past decade(ish)
A quick review of our CCTV records appears to show a small army of unknown persons coming and going pretty steadily over the years
It looks like these complete strangers were systematically helping themselves to PAM stored in the Club register
Some of these non-members appeared to have used the same Clubhouse parking lot as our ~3,000 regular campus data partners — arriving in
vans painted with names like ‘N.Y
Data uLike UnLtd& and ‘Other Peoples& info 4 you Inc.& —perhaps seeking to blend in beside the totally reputable businesses we&ve been
sharing all your information with for, like, ever, in order to undertake their totally nefarious theft of your PAM
So we&re really sorry about that! Sheesh! If it helps Sheryl was super mad with us and didn''t speak to us for, like, a week after she found
out :o( Anyway it totally fine now because we have put an actual lock on the door
Phew! (NB: Anyone wondering if they can claim competition for the Committee total failure to protect your privacy should refer to the
Compensation Claims Waiver Clause in the Club Charter which everyone signed by default when they joined (by clicking a button saying ‘yes
I want to collect my free Brisket hamburger! register for Club Membership! I&m super happy to let Mark be totally responsible for all my
Feel free to ring Colin for a cry if you like
Thanks! & Your MZ)
copy; BHFA YCMZ: Winners don''t leak — they speak!
